Category: Religion and Philosophy
I’ve always been stuck in AP (analysis paralysis). Never escaped it. I’ve always analyzed life and tried to understand the universe and tried to figure out my place in it. One thing I have discovered, though, is that as I get older, I have more questions to ask, and every so often I get a glimpse of what the world will be like without me in it. I remember my dad telling me when I was about 10 yrs old, that when you get to your 30s or 40s, you start to "feel your mortality". He was right.
I don’t have kids and won’t have kids, at least not intentionally. :) But that fact does create an emotion of feeling how finite you truly are. I won’t pass anything along. When I’m gone, everything that is me, will be gone.
Some days that is big. Some days it makes me cry and I go to Steve and ask him, "what is wrong with me? Why didn’t I have kids? Why didn’t I WANT kids?" But it passes and on top of that, the desire to have them still does not permeate the decision and make me long for something I did not do.
Then one day I realized something else: if I died tomorrow, who would take care of my dog child? I instantly understood those "crazy" clients who give me letters asking me to euthanize their pets in case of their death, so that they won’t suffer and so they can be buried with them. I don’t see that as being so crazy now - I understand where they are coming from. And, I also realized that if I had a child, that feeling would be something that would make me want to live forever because the idea of leaving that child alone in the world without me would be just too much to bear.
My mom once told me that her greatest gift from the universe was having 3 kids who could all take care of themselves. I think I understand that now.
Owning a practice sent me into yet another deep, long journey of self-discovery. Maybe it’s the super hard work. Or the super long hours. Or the renewed sense of fear and failure that I am feeling. But either way, it has reinstilled my pride in myself for achieving the goal of being a veterinarian - of being a part of a very small, elite group of individuals who help those who cannot help themselves.
And I am referring to the humans, not just the animals.
So what I hope is that my mark on this world will not be in the form of another human. It will be in the form of my kindness and concern for others, so that somewhere down the line someone will remember me because of the extreme kindness I showed them, and for no reason other than that.
Tell me dad, what will I feel in my 50s?
I don’t have kids and won’t have kids, at least not intentionally. :) But that fact does create an emotion of feeling how finite you truly are. I won’t pass anything along. When I’m gone, everything that is me, will be gone.
Some days that is big. Some days it makes me cry and I go to Steve and ask him, "what is wrong with me? Why didn’t I have kids? Why didn’t I WANT kids?" But it passes and on top of that, the desire to have them still does not permeate the decision and make me long for something I did not do.
Then one day I realized something else: if I died tomorrow, who would take care of my dog child? I instantly understood those "crazy" clients who give me letters asking me to euthanize their pets in case of their death, so that they won’t suffer and so they can be buried with them. I don’t see that as being so crazy now - I understand where they are coming from. And, I also realized that if I had a child, that feeling would be something that would make me want to live forever because the idea of leaving that child alone in the world without me would be just too much to bear.
My mom once told me that her greatest gift from the universe was having 3 kids who could all take care of themselves. I think I understand that now.
Owning a practice sent me into yet another deep, long journey of self-discovery. Maybe it’s the super hard work. Or the super long hours. Or the renewed sense of fear and failure that I am feeling. But either way, it has reinstilled my pride in myself for achieving the goal of being a veterinarian - of being a part of a very small, elite group of individuals who help those who cannot help themselves.
And I am referring to the humans, not just the animals.
So what I hope is that my mark on this world will not be in the form of another human. It will be in the form of my kindness and concern for others, so that somewhere down the line someone will remember me because of the extreme kindness I showed them, and for no reason other than that.
Tell me dad, what will I feel in my 50s?
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