Hiking and Humanity

Wow so where is life taking me?  Sometimes I don't know.  I go with the flow, I look for signs of intention leading me in a certain direction...  and sometimes I just say fuck it and let go of my need to control those things around me.

I've been writing for a long time now and even that has expanded.  Sometimes I cannot believe how many words come out of me - it's like a never ending well of fresh water pouring out of me, nourishing the life around me and propping up my spirit.   Words.  They define me in so many ways.

So what's new?  Since this is my Annual Blog Post - let me catch you up.

First and foremost - my physical activities.  It's expanded quite a bit since last year.  I did make that Girl's Backpacking Trip in July and it was merely a stepping stone to a New Life.   I cannot even express how much I love walking through the Sierra Nevada, how healing it is to my soul, how much it expands my universe.  I know some will get this;  others will not.  That's OK.

I started out slowly;  local hikes on PCT that were a few miles long.   But I was scared - scared to do it alone, scared of what doing it alone meant (I don't just mean my personal safety) and scared of pushing myself.

Then one of my very best friends in the whole world sent me an awesome gift - a little messenger called a SPOT that allows me to be tracked, allows me to shoot an SOS if I need to..   and that was it.  All I needed.  I downloaded a few apps to help keep me on trail and I just took off.

Now I'm REALLY addicted.  I mean, I've been hiking forever, but it's taking on a new meaning for me now, a meaning that's kinda hard to explain but all about what I said above:  Healing.  I feel so good when I'm hiking, away from people, inside my own head but NOT inside my head;  engaging my right brain via heightened senses and exposure to nature.

Heaven.   In an atheist mind.

(I haven't mentioned much about my past related to my previous marriage, but the truth is that I didn't think I could do many of those things any more - the things He took me to do, the hiking, the camping, the nature...    but now I'm discovering that not only can I do it...  I can do it BETTER.)

So anyway, I started going farther and farther and before I knew it, the distances were getting a little harder to do on my days off just because of the time.  So then I started climbing up...

Never saw myself as a "peak bagger" but I'm certainly heading in that direction. I love climbing mountain trails - trails that are so steep I have to stop often just to catch my breath.  I may be developing an adrenaline addiction.

So in this same thread of thinking, I decided I was gonna start planning a goodie - hiking the entire length of Catalina Island.  It's called the Trans Catalina Trail and its about 52 miles long, with some serious ascents and descents.

And, oddly enough...  I started planning it as a solo backpacker.   Then I met some ladies via an internet group I'm in, and it's turned into a small group trip.  Amazing how doing something that physically sets me apart from mankind is simultaneously bringing me back to humanity. 

Most of all though, is a dream that is slowly coming together...  I want to hike the John Muir Trail.  It's a 211 mile hike through the Sierra Nevada, through some of the most beautiful land in the world.  I started thinking of doing that solo too...   and still might...  but the reality is that there will be no solo-ness on that trip.  Lots of people on trail...   and maybe more doses of humanity, bringing me back to my own species.

I do have a big regret, and that's that I did not start doing this many years ago, in the days when my body was more apt for it, in the days when I could have turned it into the biggest life experience I ever had...  If I could go back in time, I'd hike the entire length of the Pacific Crest Trail.  Maybe I still will.  Let's see where life takes me next.  

Life is about experiences and finding your way and all that shit.  I certainly haven't wasted any time living mine, and it's only moving forward at a faster pace with more diversity than ever before.

And THIS too makes me happy. 

Peace

September 19, 2013

WOW.  I guess I haven't been a very good blogger in the last few years.  Actually, I've been an extremely good blogger...  just not on my own blog.  In some ways, I am splintered by my blogs.  Different parts of my personality are reflected on different types of blogs with which I participate.  A veterinary blog, my clinic blog, a weight loss blog...  and here.  So I'll make some attempts to bring myself back together in one place, even if only for a bit.

Let's see...   since I quit drinking Coke...

I went through a major weight loss.  I mean, serious weight loss.  I'm down nearly 75 lbs overall, from my highest weight.  I've started running on a more regular basis, changed a LOT about the way I eat, and am starting to develop an interest in long distance hiking and backpacking.

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning and I look down at myself, I still don't recognize myself.  I'm a small person, petite in all ways now.  It's incredible.  And I work at it every day.

Last year I went on a solo trip through Yosemite.  Spent 5 days just driving around, staying in crappy hotels and being alone.  It was a fantastic trip.  I totally missed Steve and Vinnie but it was some sort of odd healing trip for me...  especially since I've always said I've pretty much spent my life trying to heal from my childhood.

Nature is my church.  I've never denied that, and as I get older, it seems that nature is tugging at me more and more in ways I never saw before.  For example, I've started gardening.   This past summer I grew about a dozen tomato plants - I'd spend every evening after work just standing amongst them, smelling them, talking to them, watering them, picking bugs and caterpillars off of them, feeding them, harvesting their goodness from them.   From there I started planting more vegetables and harvesting all of my own green onions, chives, bell peppers, etc.

Then I went to The Herbfarm up in Seattle, WA.  I can honestly say it was one of the greatest culinary experiences of my life, and it inspired me to start growing more herbs than just vegetables.  Now I have a garden full of herbs like sage, thyme, oregano, mint, marjoram, tarragon, chervil, rosemary, lavendar, etc.  I LOVE being able to walk out to my patio and cut fresh herbs and cook with them.

Again, this calms me.

And Life is about finding peace and calm, which in my world, equates to happiness.

I mentioned Vinnie above, and then I realized I haven't mentioned him before - and the last time I blogged, I hadn't gotten him yet!  So...  Vinnie is the newest, most lovable, sweet hearted little being to enter my life.  I'm totally in love with him - he's a chihuahua/weenie dog mix and just the sweetest little soul to grace my presence.

So let's see...  changes through gardening, changes through weight loss, changes through new additions to my family...  yeah, it's been a busy few years.

The clinic is still buzzing along, but it's work.  Being a vet is not my life, it's my job.  I've settled on that.

Steve and I are doing well.  We are still traveling all over seeking out unique and exquisite culinary adventures, exciting music and fun venues.  I couldn't have asked for a more patient man to come into my life, who accepts me and does everything in his power to make sure I am cared for and supported.

My next adventure in the planning stages is a back country hike of Yosemite.  I'm considering going with a company that actually plans these things - specifically for women - so I'll feel a little safer.  I'm still hiking PCT on a regular basis in addition to running which, to this day, is the only thing that really calms my mind and reduces my tendencies towards depression.  That and my herb garden.

Things that bring me peace.

Breaking Habits

I am an extreme Coke drinker.  I didn't drink 10 in a day or anything like that, but I definitely had to have at least ONE every day. 

I gave them up on Nov. 23rd.  Ugh.  I haven't had any form of soda since, not even diet drinks.  It hasn't been easy, I will admit!!  But it's becoming more of a mental game for me, as in...  I'm craving a coke?  Well take THAT you evil craving, I am NOT giving in!

So then I decided that I would try to break my Facebook habit as well.  I started to notice that I was on it all of the time, as in I'd check it with my morning coffee, then get to work and check it on my phone, then keep checking it throughout the day on my computer at work.  I'd check it while watching a movie, peek at it while talking to my husband, etc etc.  It was just too much.

So I quit, cold turkey.  Deactivated my account.  And now it's been 36 hours without FB.  It's kinda weird, and I do miss certain groups with whom I participated, but it's also kind of like that challenge...  the more I want to log in, the more I resist it because I am NOT going to let this evil habit win!!!

It's also given me a chance to really realize how much time I've burned up with FB.  I've found some time in the last 24 hours to actually write again - something I love to do and something I quit doing because, well, I was spending more time on FB.  

I find facebook to be super cool and useful, but it's also a bit like high school.  Sometimes it down right made me feel bad about myself!  So this is a good thing.

I'll log back on soon, but I'm gonna take the app off my phone and if I go back to the old habit, I'll deactivate it again.  I can stay in touch with people without having to be logged in 24 hours a day, for pete's sake.

Sometimes you just gotta master the habits in your life.

SAD

Admittedly, I suffer from SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I really started picking up on it within the last few years, in that at first I didn't really realize that I was experiencing these cycles of depression in the winter.  Once I realized it, it's a little easier to take, but still a tough time to get through every. single. year.

This year it's a little different and I'm not sure why.  Age?  Point in life?  Recent events?  Either way, it's a hard one.  I'm sick of people, I'm sick of the recession, I'm sick of bad news, I'm sick of *trying* to find a reason to be happy in my day.  And people don't see it coming, but one day you wake up and realize that the older you get, the harder it is to find the bright spots.  Right at this moment I have two friends dying in the hospital - one whose dog is at our clinic because he had no where else to go when his mom crashed this week from pancreatic cancer, and one who has advanced alzheimer's, and whose husband is a dear man who has shared his story of his 50 year marriage with me.  Hearing him cry and tell me that his beloved wife doesn't remember the last 20 years of their life together is just about all I can take in one day.

Finding focus and trying to appreciate the things that do make me smile is the only way I get through the day.  Otherwise the dreams of chucking it all and taking off in the car with Steve and my dog are about to overcome me.   Who cares about responsibilities?  Who cares about "living the American dream" when all it leads to is old age, social security and dying some miserable death?  I'm young now.  I'm able.  I don't want to be a member of the serfdom that our society is trying to hard to push upon it's own.  I want to go far away and explore and love and work at jobs that make me feel good about myself and focus on living my life instead of chasing some pipe dream of...  whatever.   I just don't want to waste my life, is what I am saying.  And lately I really feel that maybe I am.

And it's damned hard to get out of a circular rut,  in which I also am currently spinning.

Now I know that some will look at my life, my accomplishments, etc. and tell me I'm crazy.  But what they don't see is that under it all, I just want a simple life.   I don't want material things.  Right at this moment, I could even live without the internet.  I'm just tired of these things and wish I could drop out of everything for about 6 months! 

Live now.  Enjoy the days you have while you have them.  And don't buy into the bullshit of the society around you because the goal of any society is to extract labor from you for 50 years then let you die and disappear.

Definitely not Debbie Upper today.

Coming Up: Belize!

Back in 1997, when I was re-taking my SCUBA certification with NAUI through Fullerton JC, I decided it was time to take a "real" dive vacation. I'd been diving Catalina Island at least once a month, beach diving both Laguna Beach and Redondo Beach, and while I loved it, I was ready to try some warm water diving. At the time I couldn't even grasp what it would be like to NOT wear a full wetsuit and all of that garb... a shorty?? What's a short??? I had no idea.

So, booked a trip to a nice resort right off the coast of Belize called Turneffe Island Lodge. It was about an hour's ride from the coast, and there were only 20 of us on the island. Well, it turned out to be an absolutely incredible week. It's called "concierge diving" which means someone basically does everything for you - you simply don your gear and jump in the water.

And did I mention that you don't wear shoes for the whole week? Yeah, those foot-binding things that rednecks like me despise.

I was hooked.

Since then, I've been diving in Cozumel, St. Croix, Puerto Rico, Playa Mujeres (Mexico) Sea of Cortez, and a few other places I can't remember right now. I've been doing this a LONG time. :)

So earlier this year Steve and I kept going back and forth on whether or not we want to go on a total scuba vacation or one with a little more land action. We couldn't decide. So one day, I just thought about it and make the decision: we were gonna return to Turneffe Island and do some concierge diving again! Once the decision was made, it became easy.

Part of my motivation is because Steve has only dove at Catalina here in CA and a few dives in Mexico, that were not great dives. TIL will be different and I know that after he does the 15 dives there, his confidence and love for the sport will expand exponentially... like mine did.

I don't think I LOVED diving until I went to Belize.

Some people would not enjoy a vacation like this; after all, it revolves around diving. We aren't there to explore or play in the surf or do anything except dive. Every day. We will get up, have breakfast, and dive. Come back to the island for a surface interval and a break, and then dive again. Come back for another surface interval, lunch, and dive again. That's how our day will be spent.

And I can't wait. :) I can't wait for surface intervals where I just lay around with my shorty folded over my waist, chatting with the other divers about what we just saw, hydrating with cold water anticipating the next dive that will dry my mouth out again... the taste of the orange slices given to us after each dive to make our mouths taste better, how good the food will taste in the evening - no matter what it is - because diving just makes you HUNGRY.... the rashes I know I am gonna get from constantly wearing neoprene and staying wet all day... and I'll love getting those rashes. :)

But mostly I just want to get in the water again. I need to feel bubbles running over the sides of my face, I need to look up and see 80 feet of water above my head, I need to look down into the unknown blue beneath me, I need to connect with others who love this as much as me... I need to laugh under water, and play with my gear and take pictures that say "Hi Mom!" like I always do.

And look at a world that very few see.

So of course there will be many pictures to follow at the end of this month. We leave August 19th and will be at TIL from Sat-Sat.

And I'm not gonna wait so long in between dive trips again. Because it's who I am.

Other Stuff

OK so let's see.... other things we've done recently...

Business is still up and down but we are surviving the recession so far. The biggest lesson I've learned from all of this is 1.) NEVER trust a bank. Always watch your back when it comes to them. I'm watching my great country go into a major decline because of the banks and because of the corruption in our government, and it's a terribly helpless feeling. I keep thinking about all of my history lessons and it's like I can actually see the decline and the return to the surfdom mentality in our nation. The rich keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer, and our illustrious middle class is starting to go away. It's historical and it's happened repeatedly throughout the generations but to be on this end of it is just heartbreaking.

But, we are still trying to live and enjoy life to the best of our ability.

Last August we spent a week camping in Northern CA (headed for a Reggae festival that didn't happen) with my good friends followed by a few days in San Francisco. We had a GREAT time!!! On our way up to Reggae, we always stop in Ukiah, CA at this brewery for lunch and good, organic beer.



We did our annual trip to Laguna Beach last November and it was as wonderful as always.



We somehow made it home to TX twice this spring - once for Scooby's baby shower and then for the birth of the baby. Good times!!! But most importantly - the ability to be with my family for the good stuff is just such a huge part of my life and I'm soooo glad I got to be there for it!

Next month we'll be headed to Dallas, TX for my Aramco Brat reunion. Happens every two years and yeah, it's always a helluva party. This year will be super special because my family will be driving up to meet us so I'll get to spend a few days with Addybug!!!! YEAH!!! Some baby luv time. :)

In August of this year we'll be headed to Belize. Actually, to a small island off the coast of Belize, called Turneffe Island. We'll be SCUBA diving for a whole week, with nothing else to do but relax and have fun. No phones, no t.v., no internet.... we'll be forced to slow down a bit. :)

And then it all starts over again in November when we head to Laguna Beach again... :)

Circle of VACATION life. :)

We Meet the New Generation

I can't seem to keep up with my blog anymore. I'd love to say it's *only* because I've been so busy, but that's not the only reason. I've blogged for many years and I guess it's probably starting to get old for me. Don't feel so much like putting my life out there any more. I think it was probably cathartic for a long time but now... I'm just getting older and different things are important to me now.

Well, well... our beautiful baby girl, Addisyn, was brought into the world last month by my Scooby. I got to be in the room for the delivery and watched her poke her head out into the world for the first time! It was totally cool to be there, but it did reinforce my decision (yet again - this has been a lifelong reinforcement!) not to have kids. Just not my cup of tea. People talk about how it's some "miracle" or something to be cherished and yeah, I can appreciate why they'd feel that way... but there was no miracle in my eyes. The emotion, the "love", the feeling of it being a miracle is all related to biochemical processes in the brain that ensure the survival of our species and make it so we don't kill and eat our own babies. HA!! It was hard, it was difficult and it was brutal. It was 100% biology. There is no "god" in the room and it's not something "special", rather it's something 100 billion women do every generation (not to mention all of the female mammals out there). I've seen enough doggys giving birth so it wasn't a surprise to see how much pain was involved. Also, I've never felt so much heartache for someone else that I love! I was thinking in the middle of it, "bring on the c-section, dammit!" :)

Scooby (my term of endearment for my niece) did great!!! I was amazed and marveled at her good mood, her happiness and her damned desire to get that kid out of her belly. She was precious and brave and especially funny when they gave her torbugesic for the pain and was thus totally stoned in the middle of labor. And then when she was pushing and she opened her eyes to look at everyone and we all started laughing.... it was a very special time, one I will never forget - all the way down to the "group hug" I shared with my sister and Stewie (the daddy) when it was all over!

But, eventually our little baby made it and it was over and now we have a new generation in the family. It's kind of a weird feeling from that viewpoint - the new are in, the old are on their way out... but I still can't get past my science-wired brain and I see it all as just the circle of life that everyone always talks about.

Even the "love" we talk about with newborns - it's not love, really. It's a chemical process in the brain that kicks on so that, again... we don't kill our own and we make sure they live so we can propagate as a species.

Now. Having said all of that. What I DO think is that those chemicals ARE the miracle. When I try to explain to people that this is how *I* see god or whatever... when I say "god" is science and nature... well, this is a perfect example. I mean, how else could a woman carry a parasite in her womb for 9 months, rip her vagina wide open to get it out, never pee right again and risk all of that if it wasn't for the strong changes in the brain that allow it to happen? THAT is the miracle. The ability of the body (human, canine, whatever) to give birth in general.

And what I also said when little Addybug popped out: the miracle isn't in the birth; the miracle is in those chemical reactions in the brain that we call "love", that makes you immediately bond to and "love" that little baby. I'd never met that child before she came into the world yet I immediately and intensely loved her and wanted to protect her. Pure human nature and biology and THAT, my dear friends, IS a miracle.

A Family Newcomer

Can't write another post without writing THIS one:

My niece, Alisha, whom I have adored my whole life and have actually claimed as my own kid (my sister merely having given birth to her) will be welcoming her own baby to the world! Yep, another generation of crazy cajuns will be making it's way into the world....

So the newcomer is a baby girl, and it looks like we've settled on the name Addisyn Paige (though the spelling may change). We all are sooooo excited to meet her!!!! My sister has gone nuts, buying stuff for her first grandbaby, and we all simply cannot wait for the big day to get here.

I'm so proud of Alisha, for so many reasons: she finished college and is now a nurse, making tons of money and working at a great place. She will always be able to take care of herself and her growing family, if it ever came to that.... luckily she's married to a great guy who has a great job with lots of future opportunities so all is well on that front.... but she heard what we said all of those years, finished her education before having babies, and in case life ever throws her a curveball, she'll be able to take care of herself and her kiddies. It's all I've ever wanted for her!!! I am SO Freaking Proud of her.

She's a happy mommy, not one of those sniveling, whining "oh my god I'm pregnant" types of moms. No depression and no martyrdom, just happy to be having a baby and hopes to have many more!!!

Did I say I'm SO FREAKING PROUD of her??? :)

Can't wait to meet you, Addy. :)

Vacation Blog

Well, maybe I'll just rename this my "vacation blog" since I only seem to manage to post every few months now, about the trips we've taken or the things we've recently done. :)

After the walk in September, we took a short trip down to Louisiana for two reasons: to hang out in the French Quarter with my sister and brother-in-law, and my niece and nephew-in-law, and to go to an LSU football game. We had a fantastic trip!!! One of the best, ever. It included many, many wonderful cajun meals down in the Quarter (including 4th and 5th meals - hehe!!), many, many good drinks, a ghost tour, some creepy cemetery tours, a fun drive over to Baton Rouge and then of course, the grand finale which was a football game at Death Valley. We love spending time with our family and plan to do it more often!

This is a group pic of us having breakfast at the world famous Brennan's:


And of course, Bananas Foster for breakfast:


Can't go to La. without having Beignets:



Birds of a Feather:


We went into the bathroom at this one place, and supposedly it was not only a haunted bathroom, but also the SMALLEST bathroom IN THE WORLD!!!! We couldn't stop giggling when we were in there! So a self-group photo was necessary.


When we were younger, we shared toys. When we got older, we shared drinks. When we got much older, we shared reading glasses. This is a pic of Steve and Kenny sharing reading glasses so they could read the menu at one of our most favorite restaurants in the entire world:



Standing in front of Tiger Stadium, AKA Death Valley, at my alma mater, LSU:

Sis and I making art, in the style of Picasso:




We also got to spend a few hours with my brother and his kids, which also included my mom. It's just too danged hard to get little kids in the car and travel, so they weren't able to hang with us in New Orleans or Baton Rouge, but got to spend a few hours with us and go to a nice lunch at Joe's Crab Shack. (a safe place for the kiddos) Spending time with two little kids, no matter how cute they are, reaffirms my GREAT decision NOT to have any. I love 'em, but I don't have the desire to own any. Dogs are just fine with me. :) That said, those little ones are cute as bugs, full of attitude and personality - and I fully expect them to give my brother hell as they grow up. :)

I have to include this pic because we all laughed so hard when we took it - Alisha was convinced Steve looked like Harry from Harry and the Hendersons, so of course it warrants a place on this blog:



Anyway, we also recently returned from our annual pilgrimage to Laguna Beach. Been spending a week there yearly since 2004, and absolutely love it. It's a laid back kind of vacation, and boy is that what we did! It was fun and a much needed rest. We try to go every year for the week right after Thanksgiving - we celebrate our holiday wedding anniversary and just take some down time.

We celebrated our second anniversary this year. My how time flies!!! :) I do have pics for that trip, too, but will post a separate blog for those. :)

Walking 40 Miles for Boobies

Last weekend was the Avon 40 Mile Breast Cancer Walk. I raised nearly $2200 (thank you for helping, hubby) for the cause and I actually managed to finish the entire walk without having to take a sweep van! I admit, though, that the last 13 miles were sheer will power.... I started the first mile that morning saying to myself, "If I can make it one more mile...." which turned into "If I can make it to lunch at mile 10, (mile 10 of the second day, which was actually mile 36) I can finish..." I made it to lunch and despite having severely painful and swollen feet, I finished the damned walk. :)

A HUGE kudos to Steve, because he was soooo helpful!! He cheered us along the way, met me at tent city at the end of Day 1 and helped me get my tent set up, blew up my blow-up mattress pad and just basically did all he could to make my life easier that night. He rocks. :)

This is a pic of me by my one of the tents we stayed in on Saturday night. Part of the experience is the camping - we all slept in these two man tents. They actually were pretty cool, and "tent city" is always neato. :)


We started out early Saturday morning, with a group of about 2800 people trying to get moving. It takes a while and it took us nearly 4 hours to go just 9 miles! But it was fun and emotional and motivating. The first day we did 26.2 miles (a marathon) and walked from 7 am until 6 pm. It HURT. Normally walking that far would take about 6-8 hours, so you can understand how the sheer size of the group slowed us down.

Second day we got up and finished the last 13 miles. Like I said... I finished on sheer willpower... but I finished regardless.

As soon as we stopped, I pulled off my shoes and they were hurting and itching - so of course I was rubbing and massaging them. They immediately started to swell, which I expected and didn't think much about.... until they became SO swollen that I could NOT walk on them any longer! In fact, Steve and I went into the famous Fab Dogs hot dog place on our way home and I had to gimp into that place like a handicapped person. Everyone was staring at me! But I wasn't missing that chili dog, dammit....

Anyway, I did a good thing and I'm proud to have finished. :)


This is a pic of me with my friend, Cathy, who has survived breast cancer - she did this walk to celebrate her 5th year of being cancer-free. I met her on the bus on the way to the event, and we walked the entire walk together. She was amazing. :)

These things tend to make a person emotional. I cried at opening ceremony, I cried during the walk, I cried when my feet were hurting so badly that I thought I wouldn't finish, I cried when I saw Steve along the way cheering me on, I cried at the end when I saw Steve waiting for me at the finish line.... it goes on and on. But I made it.

Cathy asked me why I was walking, and if I had personal experience with breast cancer. I told her no, and found myself saying what I know to be true and what I believe... and what many, many others have used as their response.

Why did I walk?

Because I can.

Wine Train

Sooo... after camping for a few days up in Eureka, we headed down to wine country. It was a blast! Stayed in a very cute B&B and spent an evening on the Napa Wine Train. The wine was great, the food fantastic, and getting a little bit drunk on the train and hanging out the window was my all time favorite. :)


We had a fabulous meal which, for me, included the famed foie gras - something I'd never had before. Now that I've had it - I'll be having it again. It was absolutely delicious!



The train was cool, but it did move along at a snail's pace. It was about a 3 hour ride through the vineyards, so the scenery was awesome! But we almost immediately wished we had taken some dramamine. No worries, though... wine fixes everything. :)

We had our own little seat in the dome car which was cool. The views were fantastic!

And, of course, I couldn't finish up without a pic of a farmhouse amongst the vineyards.

Simply beautiful.

Trying to keep up

Uggg. So I just haven't had the wherewithall to blog lately. Not a bad thing; I've been doing this for at least 5-6 years and sometimes I just don't feel like it. But, I like to keep my family and friends up to date with what we're up to, so I thought I'd post exactly that: an update. :)

Let's see... we went to Northern CA in August to go camping in the Redwoods with my best girlfriends. It was fantastic, as always. Those trees... those trees... what is it about them? I find myself walking amongst them, feeling like my life is insignificant and small at best - but that's a good thing, as it is - in a way - a connection to my creator in that I realize there is something bigger and more important out there than me. I still don't know what that means, but it's a sense of calm that feels good. (and not to get off on that tangent, but don't need no stinking church or stupid pastor or whoever to teach you that when you experience it in nature.)




I think this pretty much says it all! Steinbeck had it right.

We also spent a fair amount of time with our friends, just hanging out around the campfire. Can't beat two days of relaxation when you are forced to shut down and stop worrying about the world. Great food, great friends, peace and love are pretty much what defined the weekend!



It was much needed R&R, cause surviving the CA economy right now is a challenge. It's not just the business aspect; it's the emotional aspect. We've seen good clients come and go because of jobs lost, failed marriages, foreclosures... and say what you want, but day after day of bad news does take it's toll on you after a while.

So a dose of Redwoods was just what we needed. :)

Our Recovery Dollars

I promise I will write something positive soon because there are a lot of happy things in my life, but this entry has been stuck in my brain for almost a year now.

Last year while in Laguna Beach, I saw a sign that said, "Your Tax Dollars At Work". It was a sign advertising the work being done in the area, funded by tax money, under the guise of "American Recovery and Reinvestment Act". At first I was pretty happy to see it, till I realized something...

It was in Crystal Cove, CA, nextdoor to Newport Beach. Where the super super rich live and play.

So fast forward to last month when we were in Palm Springs. We came across yet another of these signs and I got to snap a picture of it this time:




Did I say it was in Palm Springs? Another playground for the rich?

Is this where our tax dollars are going? To beautify and improve the places where the rich people live in the country? I don't recall ever seeing one where I live, or in any of the other "non rich" places I've been.

If anybody has, please feel free to let me know, because so far I've only seen them in these areas. The streets by my house could use some work on them - where's my sign and federal dollars?

WTF?

Raw Foods

Although my last post was about my thoughts about my food, there's another aspect to it that I still need to cover.

Politics.

Let me describe something to you: a lazy summer day, walking across a 40 acre parcel of land covered in lush, green grass. We'd just turned "the girls" (our 100+ holstein cows, all of them personally named and appreciated) out onto pasture and they were loving it. Fat and happy, as my dad used to say.

They were clean. They got to walk around on open pasture all day, with the occasional prodding from one of us on the 4-wheeler to get up and move to the next pasture. Then of course, they had to make the long trek back to the barn twice a day to be milked. They were fed some grains during the milking process, but overall these girls were maintained on hay and open pasture. And we loved them; we loved them all.

What a life.

Fast forward to today and how dairy cows are now handled: they have sad lives. They stand around on muddy partitioned areas being fed who-knows-what in large bins. There are, literally, millions of them on one very large farm. There is no pasture. They might get some hay, but mostly their life consists of being fed grain, being given antibiotics because their living conditions are so bad, they are sick all of the time, standing around with their feet in mud (which leads to foot rot) and giving away their life in the name of providing food for the masses.

If you don't believe this description, you need to visit the large CA dairies.

I doubt that most people have a concept of how food is supposed to be farmed. This is because the demand on the food supply has dictated that the small, family farm become extinct and the large, corporate food producing machines grow in size.

That's the premise behind the show Food, Inc as well as many other documentaries that spell out what's really going on behind the scenes.

Do I think I'm going to change a damned thing? No. Do I think I'm going to make a difference politically? Hell no. Do I think I'm going to have any affect at all on those around me? Fuck no.

What I do think is that I've witnessed such a drastic thing in my lifetime - just since I was about 20 years old - that I have to do something on a personal level, for myself.

And what no one seems to want to mention... the drain on the food supply, the dangers of the way food is now farmed by large, uncaring corporations, the absolute obvious loss of personal freedoms that is evolving daily - is all due to overpopulation and over-demand on the food supply. Say what you want about the evils of corporations, but the reality and bottom line is that this way of farming food has developed because of the amount of food we now have to raise to feed the masses. The reason we have to farm huge amounts of beef and chicken and vegetables on a corporate level is because the mom and pop farms cannot sustain the population. It's still supply and demand, no matter how you look at it. And people don't seem to get this - they can't even remotely imagine a world where their kids might live, where the food supply is controlled, contaminated and manipulated - they can't even imagine something like that happening.

But ask my parents. They're farmers. They know what I'm talking about.

I don't have children that I'll be worried about when I leave this earth. My family members that will be left behind will be enduring their own world and their own battles.

And I fear for what's coming in the next few decades, even if it's behind the scenes or subtle - lost rights, less or maybe even no personal freedoms, inabilities to earn livings, etc etc. - will affect them more than anyone realizes right now.

It makes me proud to own a small business, it makes me proud to be a part of America that many others do not see or appreciate. I may not retire with much money in the bank or with any sort of decent retirement plan, but I'll retire with my asshole intact, knowing that I didn't make my entire life revolve around retiring from society. I want to do it myself.

This is a partial explanation of why I am making an effort to buy much of my food these days from small farms, coops, etc. Not because I think I can change a damned thing but because, in my mind, I'm rejecting the theory of supporting the overpopulation of this country and the corporatization of our entire society.

I used to loathe being on a farm as a kid; now? I'd go back in a heartbeat. I am so thankful I was not one of those kids who was raised in the city, who never got to raise dairy cows or calves or chickens or collect fresh eggs or watch the baby chicks run around every spring and summer. I rode horses, stacked haybales, played in big barns, fished and explored the land. I grew up with fresh milk, fresh meat, guns and freedoms.

What do we have now?

**Note: in the interest of those who think I'm becoming a paranoid nut or an extremist, just don't worry about it. Go feed your kids the shit from the grocery store because that's all you know and I'll start looking for the farm I'm gonna buy so I can grow my own food later in life. You can support corporate America because you don't get it.

Finally a real change?

I'm becoming a little obsessed with something.

My food.

It started several years ago when I started having issues with my weight. Then that turned into concern about sugar in my food. I even wrote about how evil I thought sugar was when I did the 60 mile walk a few years back - all they had for snacks was sugar stuff! That turned into worrying about where the heck my food came from. That turned into many more steps that eventually led me to watch a movie called "Food, Inc."

I spent part of my childhood in soybean country in the deep south, on my parent's dairy. Watching a documentary about the control and takeover of that type of farming by huge corporations who ran small farmers out of business simply made me open my eyes.

Have you ever gone to the grocery store and just looked at where all of the food you're buying comes from? It's pretty much from a handful of companies. All of it. And, try to find something that does not have added sugar in it.

It's nearly impossible.

That bothered me. That was a few months ago.

So then I decided to make some dietary changes - no more fast food, no more cokes. It was a start. My reasoning behind that was simple: I love fast food. I love McDonald's double cheeseburgers and cokes. I love french fries. But it was getting to where I wanted to eat that stuff every day. You can't tell me it's not poison for our bodies and that it's not addictive because it IS.

Besides weight gain, I started noticing how tired I was all of the time, how grumpy I was, how difficult it was becoming to maintain my concentration at work much less maintain a positive attitude, which has always been important to me.

Soooo.... this morphed into some drastic changes about 4 weeks ago: I changed what we eat. (because where I go, Steve goes :) ) We stopped eating out. We started cooking nearly every meal with fresh meats and produce. We cut out all of the "white death" (white rice, potatoes, bread). We essentially started the Atkins Diet - which I've always thought highly of. In fact, lately my answer for people who say, "isn't that an unhealthy diet?" is: yeah, until you become diabetic eating the shit you eat.... then you'll be forced into the low carb lifestyle.

Now THIS part led me to another path as well. I joined a local organic food co-op. We get to buy local produce from organic farmers as well as fresh farmed meats from organic farms in CA. Occasionally someone local provides us with something yummy like freshly slaughtered lamb. There is a leg, some steaks and some stew meat in the freezer that I cannot wait to cook!

Another part I'm excited about is our ability to obtain raw dairy products. Raw. Not pasteurized. And, it's from an organic farm right here in CA. I'm waiting for my first shipment of raw milk, raw cream, raw butter - not sure how I'll like it, although as a kid I loved it - and I have to watch how much I eat because of the diet changes (milk has a fair amount of carbs in it) but I'll keep it in moderation and enjoy it.

Being a non-fruit eater overall, I've made some changes there, too. I've started slow, with adding berries to my diet. Amazingly, once I cut out the sugar and fast food, I started craving strawberries! Yes, me, the person who hates fruit, started eating berries every night. I've expanded that to include blueberries, raspberries - you name it. Things taste different when you cut out the crap in your food.

No more sugary peanut butter - just plain ol' ground up peanuts. I add some flaxseeds to a spoon of it and it's like nature's perfect food for me. :)

What all of this means is that I'm making some huge changes to the way I eat. We will still go out to nice restaurants, etc. but not as much as we used to and we are totally avoiding fast food.

The bottom line is that I think there are major problems with the food we buy at the grocery store. I think there are major problems with corporate farming. I think there are major problems with food contamination. I think that unhealthy eating is shoved down our throats daily and it's damned hard to fight that.

End of the day - weight is falling off of me. I'm eating well, not starving like I did on weight watchers and having things I love. It's working for me. Sure, I'll indulge on occasion, but honestly... this is about soooo much more than weight loss for me, that I'm not sure I want to ever let myself go back. I'm also walking a lot - did 13 miles last Sunday - which is also extremely important to my well-being. I'll be up this Sat. at 5 am. making the pavement miles on my feet.

What is boils down to? The Farmers of America deserve my attention. Not corporate America, but Country America. Where the heart is. Where the health is. Where MY health is.

An Unfair Sentence

Lately I've found myself thinking a fair amount about a story I read recently.

There was a young mother (I can't remember her age but I know she wasn't that old) who gave birth to a child with severe cerebral palsy. At something like 5 or 7 years of age, this child was never going to progress in abilities beyond that of a 6 month old child. He couldn't walk, talk, interact, couldn't feed himself, wore diapers and was completely bedridden. He had to be fed almost around the clock with very small bites of food because he'd choke if he ate a whole meal at one time.

Those things were never going to change.

This mother let the child starve to death. When they found him, he weighed something like 15 lbs. She is facing 25 years to life for it.

At first I was angry, thinking and feeling she deserved it, because after all, how cruel is it for a mother to kill her own kid? It's one of those crimes against nature that you just can't understand.

But after I thought about it, my view started to change. It wasn't this mother who failed her child, it was society and religion that failed that family. What kind of life would that dead child have had? Ok so let's say money was no object and 24 hour care was provided - so he would get to lay in a bed for his entire life and never even have a life??? How incredibly selfish, unfair and sadistic is that? It's sick to a degree that I cannot fathom. Then consider the mother - how unfair is it to expect her to care for this child? How unfair for her to have it in the first place??

And that is because I am a veterinarian with extremely agnostic, borderline atheistic, views on religion. I was granted the incredibly kind and generous power to euthanize my suffering patients, although that power was granted by a really fucked up society.

Now, I'm not saying that starving this kid to death was the answer. But I think I can understand the desperation, the depression, the fear and the overwhelming depth of emotion this mother must have felt.

She should have had a right to euthanize that kid. Legally. Humanely. And without the judgment of stupid christians who all feel they get to play god all of the time anyway. And, if they knew this child was sick when it was in the womb, she should have been given an abortion.

If these things were legal, this woman would not even be in trouble because she probably would have had him put to sleep. It's a fine line on something that is incredibly unfair and inhumane. We, as a society, failed her by shoving antiquated beliefs about euthanasia and "right to life" bullshit down her throat, forcing her into an unwinnable situation.

I'm going to try to follow the story closely, but I know in my heart that the unjust spin put on it by the media is devoid of the emotion that I am certain she went through in trying to provide that level of care for a brain dead blob of a human. I know that sounds harsh, but that's the reality and I've no interest in being PC on my blog.

The world needs to wake up, get the fuck out of the dark ages, and start allowing abortion and humane euthanasia in humans.

Jack Kevorkian was right; we need to get religion out of medicine and start letting doctors do their jobs.

The Age of Denial

Something that has weighed on my mind for a few years now is why many of the old people I see are grumpy and negative. I try to have patience with them and after much pondering and thought, I think I understand why they get to be that way.

As you go through life, you gain and lose wealth, you gain and lose material items, you gain and lose jobs, etc. Those are things that fall under the "time heals all wounds" mantra.

But what doesn't fall under that mantra is the loss of the people in your life. I don't care who claims that it eventually gets better - it doesn't. Maybe we learn to cope and maybe we learn to reorganize the thoughts in our brain so we sweep things aside and don't think about it every second, but that doesn't take away the pain of the feelings of loss that we gain every day, week, month and year as we age.

On average, by the time you're in your 40s, you're starting to feel this pain of loss of people around you. It might be an insignificant impact on your life, like the loss of Hollywood actors (I'm still sad over the loss of Heath Ledger, Patrick Swayze, etc) or it might be close friends or even family members. Either way, you start getting the hints about what the rest of life will look like, no matter what you've built, what family or friends you have, or what you do.

The grumpiness I see in old people, I believe, is about the compounding feeling of loss that worsens as we get older.

Now, there are some christians out there that will say believing in their mythical god will make that better, that believing in heaven will take away the sting of that. I say that believing in that could also be explained as a way to deal with the pain of loss - it's too big to get your head around, it's too painful to even accept, really... so telling yourself you'll see them again or that they're in a "better place" or whatever is a way to deal with a pain so deep and detrimental that you... well... can't deal with it.

It's a form of denial, no matter how you look at it.

I don't have any answers; this is just something I've been thinking about, as my own inner feelings are creeping up on me at the realization that I'm scared inside over the loss of those close to me. The older I get, the more I have this sinking feeling of dread over waking up to a 2 am phone call saying someone in my family is gone. It's almost like you go into a weird waiting mode, knowing it will come some day but walking around trying not to think about it. Again, denial.

So no matter how you want to look at it or spin it, it's all a form of denial! It's because we have no answers about god or however you define the afterlife - christian, atheist, agnostic - we all live in a state of denial.

Is it good? I don't know. I'll think about it some more later. :)

Down South Again

We're here in Houston, about to finish out our wonderful trip home.... flew in earlier this week to celebrate my niece's graduation from nursing school! I have to say that I'm really missing the south right now. Yes it's the retarded bible belt (and we all know how I feel about bible thumpers) and you can't really drive very far without seeing a billboard telling you to praise the lord... but I can see past that crap. It's hot, it's muggy, there are mosquitoes everywhere waiting to mutilate me and cause anemia - but there is something else here. Something really, really positive...

There's a "homey" feel to the south that does not exist in CA. In general people are nicer, more accommodating and just generally better mannered. But that's still not really it...

The food is great!! No food anywhere else in the country like there is in the south. Yesterday we had some fantastic BBQ (including baked potato salad which is definitely a step up from the plain kind) some boudin and today we'll be boiling crawfish.

But that's not it, either...

Last night we were all over at my niece's house and I looked around the room at the 20+ people hanging out. We had just finished dinner and were watching Avatar, and I was holding my beautiful little nephew in my arms while he slept. Our group was quite the mismosh of people... divorced parents and their respective significant others, sister's in-laws, friends of S & A, doggies, etc. For a change, everyone was getting along and the stress level was actually low.

It was then that I realized what I love about the south. My family is here. Doesn't matter if I love CA and everything that goes with living on the West Coast; what matters is that when I visit Tx and La, I feel at home. And I miss it.

Doesn't mean we'll ever move back (way too many variables in our life right now to even see that as a future possibility) but there is a lot of comfort in knowing that I have a place to go where I can feel comfortable and at home if I ever need it.

Maybe some day my brother, my sister and I will all live on the family farm that we will inherit from my dad, all in our retirement. We've gone out, made our lives, traveled the world, received our respective educations at our parents' insistance, grew our families and lived our lives... so maybe one day we'll all go back home and end up where we started.

Just a thought.

Words of Wisdom?

I read something in the paper this morning that made me giggle. It made me think about how we all go through the same steps in our lives, we all struggle with the same things and we all go through the same thought processes even though we might not see it from the outside. It doesn't matter what path you take in life - you'll likely have similar thoughts and similar concerns as everybody else. I don't think we're nearly as unique as we'd like to make ourselves out to be.

It was a quote by Joni Mitchell, a folk singer who gained fame in the 1970s. It went like this:

"My first four albums covered the usual youth problems -- looking for love in all the wrong places -- while the next five are basically about being in your 30s. Things start losing their profundity; in middle-late age, you enter a tragedian period, realizing that the human animal isn’t changing for the better. In a way, I think I entered straight into my tragedian period, as my work is set against the stupid, destructive way we live on this planet. Americans have decided to be stupid and shallow since 1980. Madonna is like Nero: She marks the turning point."

Lately I've been feeling exactly like this. I guess it's a path we will all take at some point - and there is some comfort in knowing that those who have gone before me experienced the same things I am experiencing now. Watching the world change around you and experiencing what you perceive to be the decline of civilization has been something that every generation has gone through.

The best comparison I can give in my world is... people who drive ridiculously expensive cars but don't pay their vet bills. I'm only using the vet bill thing as an example - but it outlines the lack of priority that seems to define the younger generation nowadays. Make someone else responsible for your choices and don't worry about the tab - let someone else pick it up. That seems to be an undercurrent for most of my beliefs today!

I guess the question in my mind is whether or not there truly is a decline or is it just change in general?

Made It!

This post is dedicated entirely to my niece. :)

It took her a few years to get some direction, but she is finally coming into her own as a young woman. I am so incredibly proud of her! It's apparent that what her mom and I have harped on for years, finally sunk in.

She's graduating from nursing school next month. She'll be an RN.

I could not be happier!!! Steve and I would not miss her graduation for all the money in the world; we'll be flying to TX next month to be there in person.

I told her for the last few years, "No babies until you graduate!" She got married last year, so I was concerned she might start down that path too soon, interrupting her studies...

But she listened and I know that no matter how proud I am of her, she will be even more proud of herself for finishing school!! NO ONE can ever take THAT away from you!

I've already told her to go ahead and make me some grandnieces and grandnephews now. :)

She's in the clear. :)

I love you Scooby and I am more proud of you than I will ever be able to put into words. :)